Mike Browne’s Blog

This morning, even before having my coffee, I applied for a job.

I was checking out the film news sites I browse as often as I can and found a job prospect at The Creature Corner in a post called Join the Corner. I was so jazzed I sent a recent story I’d written for this blog. If I got it I’ll “start getting free DVDs to review, the chance to interview genre stars, and even get sent on press trips and set visits.” too cool!

If there is anyone who’s suited to this kind of job its me. Oh please, please, please.

Everyone please send good thoughts…

Here’s one for Tyler, the evil sysadmin: How the Death Star Works

This comes to us via TheMovieBlog.com.

I’m not sure Carol would like it if I spent $400+ on a pet zombie, so I think I’ll hold off until we’re really wealthy. Then I’ll get the set. Thanks to GoferBoy and Norwood Matt for the link via boingboing.net.

MoviesOnline.ca and TheMovieBlog have gone far to upset me over the past few days. First I find out they’re remaking Day of the Dead, the last in the original George A Romero zombie trilogy. Okay. That’s bad. I’m tired of the remakes. They usually suck pretty hard and are geared toward a brainless pg-13 audience. I have yet to see a remake that improved on the orignal.

At least they haven’t touched the holiest of holies, Night of the Living Dead. Wait a minute? What’s that you say? They’re remaking NotLD? In 3D?! *thump* (The thump is me hitting the floor after passing out from horror):

Night of the Living Dead… in 3D?! – The Movie Blog
New Night of the Living Dead Remake coming in 3D – MoviesOnline

I’m disgusted. I know I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am. These things make money. That’s why they get made.

To hell with it. Let’s just remake every classic film. The clothes the people wear in films like The Exorcist and Gone with the Wind look kind of old so it’s time for an update.

It’s easy. Here’s the formula: Take a familiar story and put a star (or two) with some noteriety and a little bit of cutes, a hip soundtrack and market the crap out of the flick during the OC and Lost. Oh yeah, don’t let audiences preview it. Opening weekend box office is yours!

What shall we do first?

How about Citizen Kane? That tired old black and white movie could do with some colour, a reworked script, new stars and som cooler music. How about the ultra-cute Tom Welling from Smallvile in the lead and some music by the hip Ashley Simpson (I prefer this link).

Actually I bet that would sell. LAME! See I can be a remake producer too.

God help us. Next they’ll be doing a slick Blair Witch remake.

Dopey movie watcher: “Like, why is the camera all shakey? They should, like, remake this.” ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGH!

If you don’t like remakes and want to see original content don’t go see them. Boycott them. Discourage your friends from seeing them. Don’t let your children see them. Turn the TV channel when even an ad for one of these monstrosities comes on. When we stop watching them Hollywood will stop remaking them.

I know. I know. I worked on a remake (that’s me in the miscellaneous crew section). Yeah. I’m a Hollywood whore too, but hey… I gotta eat.

We’ve had no kids at all yet. None! What the hell? I know there are kids on the building but I’ll be damned if I’m going around to deliver Halloween candy to them. If they want it they can come and get it. I went to a lot of trouble for my Halloween costume.

Seriously though my “costume” is the scariest one ever. Remember Spookyfish the episode of South Park where an evil version of Cartman shows up and is nice to everyone? See photo below:

The only difference visually is the goatee. Much like Evil Spock from that episode of Star Trek:

Goatees do denote evil. So, just in time for Halloween —–>
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Deep in the night I am looking for some fun so touch my tra la la!

Wake up from your asleep he’s electronik supersonic too!

Hooray for Zlad!

Welcome to Molvania (yes there’s another video there – He is the Anti-Pope)!

I know we’ve seen it before but it’s always worth another look.

Carol and I just got home from seeing the premiere of Saw 2. This one boasted a bigger budget ($4 million as opposed to $1.2 million last time) and as a result producers could afford a few more people to kill off and a bit more gore. That pretty much says it all, because that’s what we got. If you liked Saw and expect the same creatively creepy writing and directing you’ll be disappointed. We were.

No, it wasn’t only the guy in front of us who Carol said smelled of beer and cigarettes. I thought he smelled more like something buried with a bad batch of kimchi (if you can imagine something smelling worse than good kimchi). The movie kind of stank too. Sure there was tons of gore and scenes that had us squirming and even a bit of “what’s going to happen next?”, all great qualities of a horror film, but there were many other parts of the film that had me thinking about the DVD’s I’d just bought and wondering what Moosh was up to. You’ve got to keep me on edge. Don’t let me get bored. By the end of the flick I felt my intelligence had been insulted and a hack saw dragged across the wound. It was one of those endings. You’ll know what I mean when you see it yourself. UGH!

Dear studios and producers, people are not that stupid, please let us leave the theatre with our dignity. The test audience full of grandmothers, drunks and figure skaters on an outing doesn’t understand horror.

The fact that a relative unknown in the directing chair named Darren Lynn Bousman who’s credit’s include Honey Wagon Attendant on the X-Files helmed this limping rehash of a fun little horror movie should have been the first thing to tip me off, but no… We had to see it. I’m glad I didn’t pay.

I know everyone has to get their start somewhere, but Honey Wagon Attendant? I guess he’s used to dealing with pieces of shit, becayse he just made one. This particular piece of shit will garner him the coveted box office top this Halloween weekend so my hat’s off to him. The next time I’m holding my breath and squeezing one out on set in one of those awful honey wagons I’ll think of him. I have a horrendous honey wagon story that I’ll tell sometime, but not now.

One last thing, the Saw 2 website wouldn’t let me into the unrated version as it was too GD stupid to read a Canadian postal code. I, the person with much darker things in my head (that I’m trying to get written down) had to play in the kiddie pool. Up yours Saw 2, but congrats on taking the weekend.

My Saw 2 experience rates a 5 and a half stars out of ten. It’s a pass, but barely.

Stuff On Fire: WWHW? (What Would Hannibal Wear?)

Thanks Goferboy! That’s pretty creepy and very Halloweeny!

Pauly sent me the above photo. Yes, I laughed. Well done. It helps me better understand the true passion of these loud people in the blue and white jerseys. I too think the kid in the Canadiens (not a misspelling just francaise – ugh) should have to sit alone. However, the rest of the children should all be given Canucks jerseys to assist them in cheering for a ‘good’ Canadian hockey team. Hah!