There are certain things that should automatically tip off any filmmaker that the movie they are about to make shouldn’t be made. We have compiled a list of some of these sure-fire tip-offs in the form of an exam. We think all filmmakers should be required to take this exam before beginning work on a movie. Answering “yes” to any one question results in failure of the test and means that the current project should die immediately. – By David J. Parker – Additional Material By Samuel Stoddard
The Exam
- Have you hired a professional wrestler to act in a starring role?
- Is your movie based on a work by Stephen King?
- Does your movie have anything to do with Martial Arts fighting? (You may skip this question if you are, or have cast in the lead, Jackie Chan.)
- Are you shamelessly ripping off another movie that recently made a
bundle? - Does your movie star any “Saturday Night Live” alumni? (You may skip this question if said alumni consists exclusively of Dana Carvey and/or any member of the original cast.)
- Does the name of your movie end in roman numerals?
- Does your movie contain Demi Moore’s breasts?
- Is the special effects budget of your movie more than the GNP of third world nations?
- Does your movie have a scene wherein the stars outrun a nuclear explosion?
- Are you making this movie for the sole purpose of competing with another studio’s similarly-themed movie?
- Does your movie contain any cute, fuzzy little creatures, or any other easily merchandised feature?
- If your name is Kevin McClory, are you trying to make yet another remake of Thunderball?
- Does your movie insist on calling strippers “dancers”?
- Would your movie be found on the same shelf in the video store as The Slumber Party Massacre II?
- Is the title of your movie prefixed with a credit,as in, Bram Stoker’s Dracula? (You may skip this question if you are Alfred Hitchcock. But if you are Alfred Hitchcock, you shouldn’t be taking this test, as you are dead.)
- Does Kevin Costner have anything to do with your movie?
- How about Keanu Reeves?
- Regardless of whether they have anything to do with your movie, do you think Kevin Costner and/or Keanu Reeves are good actors?
- Is your movie a comedy featuring less sophisticated humor than that found on America’s Funniest Home Videos?
- If you are a post-Home Alone John Hughes, did you gloss over the previous question?
- Will your movie be third or more in a string of similar movies all coming out around the same time?
- Are you basing your movie on a novel without having actually read said novel?
- Have you watched Showgirls more than once?
- Did you hire Quentin Tarantino to “punch up the dialogue”?
- Did you hire Quentin Tarantino as an actor?
- Is the movie you’re making completely indistinguishable from one you have made before?
- Have you cleverly renamed your movie to get past question 6? (Hot Shots: Part Deux and Beethoven’s Second, for example.
- Would you describe The Seven Samurai as “a good yarn”?
- Would you describe Speed 2: Cruise Control as “a thought-provoking commentary on the human condition”?
- Is your movie about aliens whose sole purpose in life is to eat humans?
- Does the script have more than three supposedly humorous “one-liners”?
- Is your movie based on a comic book character?
- Does your movie have anything to do with cold fusion?
- Does the title of your movie contain any of the words “Fatal,” “Passion,” “Forbidden,” “Obsession,” or “Desire”?
- How about “Meets” or “Versus”?
- Is your movie based on a video game?
- Is your name Joe Eszterhas?
- Would Cinemax be willing to broadcast your movie on Friday night between midnight and 2am?
- Would USA be willing to broadcast your movie at any time?
- Have you hired science consultants for your science fiction movie and blissfully ignored their suggestions?
- Have you hired military consultants for your war movie and blissfully ignored their suggestions?
- Is the average length of the lines in the script three or fewer words?
- More than 150?
- Does the film feature a character best described as a “hip techno-geek with an attitude”?
- How about one best described as “a sarcastic kid who throws temper tantrums while the adults hang their heads in sorrow”?
- How about one best described as “a Batman sidekick”?
- Does the script require the cast to run away from stuff more often than walk or stand still?
- Did the auditions require disrobing?
- Are you making a movie based on a popular television series?
- Do you hear those little cash register noises in your head whenever you think about your movie?
- Are you unfaithfully adapting a classic work of literature and using “hardly anyone’s read the book” as an excuse?
- Does the script require any member of the cast to wink at the camera, literally or figuratively, at any time?
- Have you ever been married to Geena Davis?
- Does the script require anyone’s pants to fall down for a quick laugh?
- Have you cast someone whose acting style includes wagging his head back and forth in every scene?
- Is the lead actor’s co-star an elephant?
- Will the trailers and/or commercials for your movie be able to show every good scene and still have room to show some of the bad ones?
- Have you cast a Playboy Playmate or Penthouse Pet in your movie?
- Have you cast an ex-porn star in your movie?
- How about an active porn star?
- Has Mystery Science Theater 3000 approached you about purchasing the rights to this movie yet?
- Do you plan to make them a deal?
- Is your movie a “heartwarming tale” about a guy and a girl who fall in love, then break up, but get back together in the end?
- Does the title of your movie contain the words “Quest,” “For,” and “Fire,” in no particular order? (No fair spelling it in French.)
- Have you cast a notorious child star in a major role?
- Does your movie suck?
- Do you expect your movie to make more money in merchandising than in its theatrical run?
- Is this a “direct to video” release?
- How about a made-for-TV “movie of the week”?
- Does one character in your movie exist solely to spout a catch phrase?
- Are you making a wrestling picture for Wallace Beery?
- Is your movie thinly disguised propaganda for some pet activism project of yours?
- Is your movie best described as “just like movie X, but not as good”?
- If I were to fall asleep five minutes after the start of your movie and wake up for the last five minutes, would I understand the plot?
- Have you lied in your answer to any of the preceding questions in order to get to the end?
*** So far so good for Mike Browne. *** 🙂
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